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frawed
01 January 2020 @ 12:50 pm
*Still Feel the Same* by detour 180

I jumped in, again...
Was thrown a lifeline,
but swam away.
I can't help myself;
I don't want to feel alone.

I still feel the same,
I still love the way you hold me -
in the rain.
I still feel the same.
I should've known better than this.

I'm holding onto you,
and I'm holding on tight.
Get me home soon,
get me home soon.
I'm holding onto you,
and I'm holding on tight.
Get me home soon,
get me home soon.

I still feel the same,
I still love the way you hold me -
in the rain.
I still feel the same.
I should've known better than this.

http://cdbaby.com/cd/detour180
 
 
frawed
15 October 2015 @ 11:32 pm
My life lately has been pretty fantastic. This year started off pretty challengingly. I spent too much money - some of it planned, some of it not and have been trying to come back from that all year.

I was dating this girl in my band (which is admittedly one of the not-the-smartest things I've done, but since when have I let THAT stop me?). From the beginning, I guess I was intrigued by her. That in and of itself is harmless, but there were plenty of warning signs that this wouldn't work out as a serious relationship. When I met her, I wasn't looking for a serious relationship and I was going on casual dates with other women. I started seeing one girl repeatedly (tho still casually) right around the same time L & I admitted there was SOMETHING there between us. I felt I was in a really healthy place at this time - I had done a LOT of work on myself and felt really good, and was CONTINUING to get to know myself and just felt really positive about the trajectory my life was taking, due to my own efforts. I do believe this led me to feel more open minded and casual about who I would date. Whereas before I did all this work on myself, I had been dealing with a lot of grief, self-doubt and even self-loathing, now I felt free as a bird - to express myself, and that included things that I wanted for no particular reason. Segue to wanting women. LOL I no longer was dealing with these gut-wrenching feelings from my last breakup and I felt free to WANT other women, in whatever capacity. In fact, I felt free to want whatever I wanted and just acknowledge that, without judgement. I wasn't sure WHAT I wanted, though. I think I knew that if the right girl came along, I would want a relationship, because I very much thrive (I think) in a relationship, whereas some thrive as single.
I love to love, and I love to give. And I love being in a committed relationship, especially if it gives things to me that I want and need and crave.
So at this time, I felt very open-minded, happy and free. That's when I met L. We got along well. At first it was all very innocent - it would come up during band practice that we were both going on dates or talking to some girl. One night, after practice, I helped her bring her synth equipment down to her car (she was driving from the Cape to practice with us, which kinda impressed me), and I somewhat seriously said to her that her problems she was having with girls was that she was dating too young - these girls were too immature. I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "You need to date someone your own age." She looked straight back into mine with a bit of intensity and said "OK" and I felt the first spark of something between us. I hadn't meant that she should date ME, I just cared about her and I guess was trying to help.
I honestly didn't give it too much thought - there was an attraction there, and we held off for a while, but we eventually acted on it. Even though we knew that posed a bit of a potential threat to the long term health of the band. Was it selfish? Perhaps. But you also can't live your life based on what-ifs and maybes. I believe on living in the moment and doing what feels right. Unfortunately for me, I really didn't put ANY thought into it. I just threw myself, pretty quickly, into dating her. But not as entirely as I had in the past. At least in the sense that I had learned that I needed to watch out for and take care of myself at all times, including while in a relationship. That was a difficult, but very necessary lesson to learn and I still wasn't sure how to apply it.
Back to the beginning of this year. I got into a car accident on a snowboard trip with L to Cannon Mountain. I was driving and the insurance did not cover it. It was a terrible intersection, there was snow everywhere and I tried to avoid the accident, but it didn't matter. It was ruled more than 50% my fault. That started the year out on a rough note, especially financially. L's car was not driveable til it got fixed. Somehow, we happened to have a friend somewhat nearby to drive us back to Massachusetts - that was pretty miraculous. And L stayed with me as she didn't have her own transportation and would need to go back and get her car. We had also already planned what was supposed to be an inexpensive trip to Mexico. And in between these two events, the roommates decided they didn't like L being around as much as she was and started creating a stink about it.
I tried not to let this ruin my good time/life though. I talked to the roommates, tried different methods of reasoning with them, to see what was really the problem and how we could resolve it. No dice. Little did I know that long ago, they had made up their mind that they just didn't want significant others to come over - basically almost ever. No one had told me this and now I was told she was a 5th roommate, which was preposterous and absurd. I offered to pay extra for utilities. Again, they were not negotiating. I was essentially told they were sorry but they were done with her being here unless she wanted to split the rent equally. It made for a very awkward living situation and time for me. And I was already strained to the max financially.
Then, got to Mexico and L had no extra money. So I covered all expenses there, too.
Got back, started looking for a new apartment, very luckily found one with BETTER rent, with a friend, in a fantastic, fun area of Somerville (things looking up, yay!) and hurriedly moved there. Things were too tense and, I felt, unworkable with the former roommates. I felt bad that things had gotten to that level but they were being unreasonable and not willing to negotiate. Oh, it was funny that while L was staying there b/c of her car being in the shop, utilities were actually LOWER than normal. Nor did she abuse any privileges to the house, the TV, or anything like that. Most of the time she wasn't there. Anyway...enough about that. I have a hard time living with people who are rigid, inflexible and unreasonable. And it also kinda hurt my feelings that these guys that I considered friends as well as roommates were more than willing to just let ME go as a roommate, even though, other than this one perceived slight (to them), I was a pretty damn awesome roommate. It seemed best to get out though I HATE moving, especially when I essentially feel forced. But interestingly enough, I haven't really lived one place more than a year since moving to the Boston area for one reason or another. Every place I've lived has felt so impermanent.
Ever since Mexico, I felt this desire/need to move on from Boston. While there I had many epiphanies (totally unrelated to drugs, which I don't do, or drinking). In my calmest, most relaxed, zen moments, I realized what I had sensed before - that Boston really wasn't my home. Not that I would necessarily instantaneously find "my home" but there were so many things about it that made me feel like I had already had my best times here and it was best to move on.
I began to talk here & there about my thoughts of moving on, to friends and family and to L. I'm in a band, and when they heard that I was thinking of moving, their ears perked up. Wasn't long before the singer wanted to talk to me - about my future with the band, and their future, potentially without me. I told her I didn't have any definitive plans, but if they were concerned and wanted to go ahead and start looking for my replacement (as she indicated to me), that was fine by me. This happening, I think, put L into inner turmoil. She was enjoying life right where she was and the prospect of me potentially moving on (with or without her) was not a savory one to her.
How could I so casually think about moving on? It's something I wouldn't have felt free to do before, but perhaps something in me sensed this relationship wasn't really right or working for me anyway. I wasn't trying to make or break it, I was just thinking what I felt I needed to do for me. And now, all around me, I saw people having really strong reactions to that. Not surprising, no, but interesting. To me, it was mostly just a novel thought at this point. Now, their reactions and their talking about it and even beginning to plan around it, was beginning to make it more of a reality. Because, really, what is real? Haha...I better not even go THERE tonight.
There had been a lot of warning signs that this relationship wasn't going to work or last. In fact, I myself had broken it off many times, as L liked to remind me. And I sympathize with her, because obviously, if I was in her position, that would probably drive me crazy and make me wonder when it was gonna happen again or next. But lest I sound like a complete flake, what really was happening here was it WASN'T working and somehow I let myself get convinced and talked back into the relationship each time after I broke it off. And I wasn't some heartless cold b*tch either. I definitely cared about her. I probably should have cared for her as a friend and left it at that but now that we WERE dating, that dynamic had changed and it couldn't be JUST that anymore. I have been in many relationships where me caring about the person has been a big factor in me staying in the relationship way too long. I seem to be somewhat oblivious to when it's a good time to "move on," but luckily for me, I don't place too much stock in things being perfect or timing just right.
Commence, singlehood (I'll spare you the details). I'm intentionally leaving out plenty of details that I don't care to recount publicly for all our sakes. But I will say that before we broke up, L had definitely been pulling away and essentially retreating to and staying on the Cape, despite the effect that had on us and on the band. She no longer had much of any interest in the things here (which included me) unless they came to her. I think she had reached some sort of limit in her abilities to multi-task and spread herself too thin. It still was pretty emotional, though I think the breakup went as "smoothly" as possible and I think we both handled it pretty well. But it was pretty clear that she was done with the band and we wouldn't be seeing her much or at all.
I think I kinda went into take-care-of-myself mode pretty immediately. I reached out to friends and I simultaneously realized I needed to work on my financial situation but also really needed to just enjoy the summer (esp on the CHANCE that it COULD be my last in Boston, despite my still-lack-of defined plan). I started going out to meetups, meeting people and trying new things (hotel rooftop parties, yeah!). I started hanging out with some friends I had not hung out with in a while but had known for a while. They liked to go to Randolph Country Club, which I found amusing. They preferred it over the beach, which I simply could not understand, though they tried to explain it to me. But I went along for fun with them and was certainly enjoying the friends + sun + drinks + pool + music combo they had to offer there. Lots of fun was had each time. I didn't do this every weekend but I'd heard that there was a special, annual "dyke night productions" sponsored event coming up - the lesbian pool party, which in the past, had been a pretty big deal (I had never been). But I decided that would be a cool thing to do and made plans to go to that and invited my friend from NH, too. The day dawned bright and sunny and R rolled up in her sexy Jeep Wrangler and blasting tunes and told me I could DJ and we were off to a great start.
I dunno if you're noticing a theme here, but I'm not very good at making plans. I AM good at sorta expecting the best and living more-or-less in the moment. However, this day would take even me by surprise, even knowing myself. Even though I tend to kinda roll with life rather than plan it all out (which I certainly am capable of doing) I'm not really the type to go out of my way to talk to a girl. First off, probably because the physical attraction is usually not enough to make me want to talk to a girl. And barely even enough to get me to notice a girl. So I tend to notice girls that are already in my circle - say we have mutual friends, and maybe I've had a chance to get to know them a bit. That's more how attraction tends to work for me. (I could analyze about why but I'll spare you that in this already long entry). Well, at this pool party, I was just there to enjoy it with my friends. No plans or even really desire, to meet a girl. One, because I know I'm not super casual. Two, because I wanted to leave myself very open to the idea of moving out of Boston. So when I saw C, the reaction I had was surprising, even to me. Almost instantaneously, when my eyes landed on her, I had this powerful, overwhelming urge to go talk to her. I'm honestly not sure what prompted this urge. I'm not saying it was a noble or even romantic urge. I think the only remotely coherent thought that entered into my head was like "why not?" or "I'm gonna do this." But it was so abnormal for me. Yeah, she was sitting on the edge of the pool seemingly by herself (easier to approach for me, who has terrible first time cold-meeting social skills) and yeah she looked cute and yeah she had a really cool tattoo (talking point), but all of that didn't add up to me getting up off my ass and walking over there and squatting next to her trying to start a conversation. Luckily for me, she was probably more chill than 99% of the girls there and took it completely in stride. Didn't act like it was weird or strange or "do we have any mutual friends" - I didn't get any of those vibes from her as I have from other women, whether or not I was trying to hit on them. She was very easy to talk to and I guess one of the first things I sensed about her was her QUIET, calm energy. In grave contrast to my chattering nervousness about scorpions. That chattering nervousness was both visible on the outside and something I felt on the inside as well and, again, I couldn't quite explain it.
Somehow, it very quickly came up that C knew (or at least knew of) L, and this gave me some pause. Chicks don't usually dig knowing your ex and I wasn't sure if or how I should deal with that topic. I volunteered that I also knew her but, as this was a first encounter and I had no idea where it was going, didn't volunteer more just yet. She also informed me she was moving to Chicago for grad school in 10 days. Inside, though I'd been unclear about my motivation for walking over and introducing myself and making her acquaintance, I couldn't really help but think (again not really coherently) "Dead End" - go no further. So that was revealing about my motives for walking over and talking to her. I mean I wasn't totally oblivious to my feelings - I didn't JUST think she looked like a cool person that I'd like to be friends with. There was enough of a "she's cute" factor to know that I found her attractive - and as more than a friend. ;) But there was not really any conscious thought process til after we rejoined our respective friends and they were like, "SO....???" and I was like yeah, she is moving to Chicago for grad school and she knows my ex. So...yeah. haha But when it was almost time to leave I turned to my friend from NH and, as I value her opinion (and generally do value my friends' opinions), asked, "should I get her number?" She and my friend that drove me were both like YES!!! With "duh!" being the unspoken sentiment. I looked at them like "who even are you?!" and then somewhat giddily walked into the pool, where she was moving to the music and playing water volleyball with a beach ball with a friend of hers. Besides our short interaction, I didn't really have any indication of whether she would be attracted to me or want to give me her number and this was kinda new territory for me, as this isn't usually how I meet girls, but I walked up to her and after she asked me if I wanted to join their beach ball game (and I had to decline as my friend wanted to leave), I asked her (probably somewhat haltingly) if I could get her number, even though I knew she was getting ready to move to Chicago. Her easy "yeah!" kinda shocked me, as did her readily walking out of the pool with me when I admitted that if she gave me her number verbally, I would probably forget it before I could punch it into my phone. I really didn't know what I was gonna do with it but something told me to almost immediately text her and tell her that I had enjoyed talking with her/meeting her and if she was in Boston, I'd love to see her. It didn't take me too long to add to that that I knew of a fun event coming up, and to invite her.
Pretty soon I realized I wasn't dealing with an "average" girl, for lack of a better term. The calm and peace I felt coming from her was the first tip-off. Our pretty amazing conversations also helped. I began to feel that we had a lot in common, when it came to what really mattered to us, and basic desires and priorities. That first date went swimmingly - I am convinced more because of who it was with than anything else. Her quiet, calm comfort in her own skin spoke volumes and was hugely attractive to me. I sensed some deep level of attraction on an almost primal level, much quicker than "normal." It wasn't just physical attraction, but I think a basic sense of connectedness that had just developed more quickly than I was accustomed to. True to self (I guess, haha), I was absorbed in the moment and not thinking too much about the inevitable future (her moving away, very shortly!). Had I been operating with logic and reason I probably a) would never have gone and talked to her b) would never have talked to her again when I found out she was moving to Chicago c) would definitely not have plowed ahead as if none of the seeming obstacles didn't exist. We have both come to appreciate how bull-headed I was, however. And I very much appreciated her not writing me off, as well, and being willing to come into Boston to see me - that was a commitment and an effort on her part, and just before she was leaving! How many times since I have wondered at how this all transpired, against the odds and any expectations! You could argue "Oh you both were just horny and into each other" but I know it was much more than that (but yes, that too :)).
I could go on and on about how amazing it's been since - how she came to see me again the night before leaving for Chicago, how we were both pleasantly surprised by our level of feelings for each other but willing to roll with the flow, how we have both continued to bring out and encourage the best in one another...but suffice it to say that while it was unexpected and unplanned, I believe it was the best thing that could have happened to me and exactly when it did.
I don't know what the rest of this year holds but I got an opportunity to play with an outstanding, hard-rocking, all girl band, that has been playing together for a while but went separate ways from their drummer. Simultaneously continuing to play with my band. It has kept me busy. But I have a determination to not forget about my plan to explore the possibility of moving away from Boston, to a place better suited for me. If that reveals itself as moving closer to my new girlfriend, then fantastic. We will save a lot on airfare over the long term. ;)
In summary, you NEVER know what next. I feel so fortunate, in so many ways, and I want to share my good fortune with others. I know that I am where I am today because of SO many factors, many seemingly quite arbitrary. I do not take it for granted. I am thankful for where I am every day. This includes my freedom to be myself and self-express and know myself, the freedom to pursue what feels right to me, the freedom to love myself and others and the freedom to take responsibility for my life.
I think I'm about ready to take life by the horns. ;)
 
 
frawed
15 October 2015 @ 10:48 pm
I haven't posted on here in ages, though I have an entry that says I posted it in 2020. LOL I guess I thought that song would be really relevant to me for that long.

So much has changed since my last entry and yet, going back today and reading through old entries, I was kinda inspired by myself. Which sounds odd to say, but is how I felt. I re-read about my struggles and my thoughts, my fears and my joys, my heartaches and my victories. Many of the entries readable only by me. But, quite a few, completely public. I've had many journals over the years and I've done plenty of writing that didn't end up in any online journal as well. But I've kinda lapsed on that lately.

I was refreshed by my ability to just write in the moment, almost in a childlike manner, how I was feeling or how something occurred to me that day. Experiences I had, described in great detail. In any case, both because I believe it was therapeutic to write, and because I enjoy going back and reading it later (and it serves as a much better chronicle than my faulty memory), I'd like to start doing it again.

We'll see how long this lasts. ;)
 
 
frawed
13 August 2007 @ 11:44 am
Oh my heart can’t carry much more
It’s really, really aching and sore
My heart don’t care anymore
I really can’t bear more
My hands don’t work like before
I shiver and I scrape at your door
My heart can’t carry much more
But you couldn’t care less
Could you

Your face don’t look like before
It’s really not like yours anymore
Your eyes don’t like me no more
They quiver and they shift to the floor
My heart don’t beat like before
It’s never been this slow
No my blood don’t flow anymore
And you couldn’t care less
Could you

Could we stop and sleep for a spell
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell
But we really don’t care do we

Baby let’s stop and sleep for a spell
We can turn this ditch into a well
And send that old devil back to hell
Your back’s not straight like before
You really shouldn’t carry me no more
I’m much too heavy for you
I’m really quite a mess, yes
We just don’t care anymore
We’re crooked and were cut to the core
We’re just not there anymore
But we really don’t care do we
No, we couldn’t care less
We couldn’t care less
Could we?
 
 
frawed
06 March 2007 @ 10:38 pm
Nine Inch Nails

sunspots cast a glare in my eyes
sometimes i forget i'm alive
i feel it coming and i've gotta get out of it's way
i hear it calling and i come cuz can't disobey
i should not listen and i shouldn't believe but i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

my life it seems has taken a turn
why in the name of god would i ever want to return

peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
i wanna kill away the rest of what's left
and i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

and nothing can stop me now
there is nothing to fear
and everything that ever was
is inside of here

woah woah woah woah
inside us here

now i just stare into the sun
and i see everything i've done
i think i could have been someone
but i can't stop what has begun
when everything is said and done
and there is no place left to run
i think i used to be someone
now i just stare into the sun

 
 
 
frawed
21 February 2007 @ 02:07 pm
So far today, i have gotten shocked about 10 times at work. It's just past 2 PM. Let's see, I've gotten shocked by touching light switches (typical), walking by chairs with metal arms and touching nearly ANY metal object. The most odd shock I received was from placing a metal spoon in our metal kitchen sink.

?!

So, if only I could store all this static charge I'm carrying. I guess if I was a superhero, my power would be electric energy. I'd be "The Jenerator" or something.
 
 
frawed
14 February 2007 @ 02:31 pm
*Zwan*





come on
let's hit the road
i'm up to my tricks
i know they seem cold

but heart songs
are all that i am
i use the same words
to say the same things

 
 
frawed
14 February 2007 @ 02:23 pm
"El Sol"
by Zwan

empty-armed
and half a soul to go

and all i wanted
was you here next to me
a little sunshine and sympathy

now everybody knows
that i've been hanging down so low
'cause now i'm feeling up
soon i'll be feeling out so cold
wondering, will you call
and now i'm feeling high
soon i'll be feeling left for dead
sometimes someone saying yes
changes what you'll bet

and all i wanted
was just to hold you close
a little sunshine
just to butter my toast
and your love next to mine

i had to let you know
that we were meant to be just right
heaven sent, not sympathized
by everybody's lie
and now i'm feeling high
now i'm feeling left so dead
kicking up the dust in bed
wondering, i guess

sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
and some tea

and your love
your love
your love next to mine

i had to let you know
i had to let you go so i
could see my lie fade from your eyes
and to my surprise

that's what i wanted
it's all i wanted
it's what i wanted
me and you

sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
and some tea

that's all i wanted
it's all i wanted
that's all i wanted
it's all i wanted
 
 
frawed
03 February 2007 @ 10:25 am
by LaRue

I was just thinking
about how time flies
And that we're all drifting
like clouds in the sky
And you have always been there
And now we have all changed
And it's been one Beautiful life

I was just wondering
on how to recall
the wonderful memories
and how they all fall into place,
Like the smile on your face
Like the kisses and the tears that we've shared

It's been one beautiful life
And I know it's tasted it's trials
It's been one beautiful life
And I know it's tasted it's trials
And it's not over
It's only begun

We've always been different
But never alone
Like one white tulip
that stands on it's own
And you will always be here
And we will stay the same

It's been one beautiful life
And I know it's tasted it's trials
It's been one beautiful life
And I know it's tasted it's trials
And it's not over
It's only begun

And it's been one, beautiful life
And it's been one, beautiful life
yeah, yeah, it's tasted, it's tasted its trials
it's been one, one, beautiful life
yeah it's been one beautiful life
 
 
frawed
31 January 2007 @ 03:02 pm